Thai food is one of the most popular international cuisines. Any major city will have its fair share of Thai restaurants. These eateries, some of them quite excellent, generally serve toned-down versions of the Thai food we know. Your average westerner not residing in Thailand, cannot handle true Thai food with its extreme flavours and intense burn.

Visitors or new expats arriving on Samui, start out insisting that they will only eat Thai food while in Thailand, after all, it is their favourite back home. This is when the surprise kicks in. Firstly, the gloves come off, as restaurants serve authentic super spicy or ‘maak maak pet’ Southern Thai or Isaan food. Farangs accustomed to ordering it ‘hot’ back home, now realise that the scale of heat vastly differs, and here ‘niknoi pet’ should apply. It’s rather amusing to watch a western guy sitting in a roadside restaurant, trying to impress his new Thai love, and ordering his curry extra spicy. The chef chuckles to himself, and gives him what he asks for, with a smug look on his face as the waiter delivers the fiery plate. Now the farang in question is trying so hard to impress, that he devours the entire plate, beads of sweat dripping from his brow, and countless bottles of water consumed in an attempt to put out the fire. ‘Aroi Maak Maak’, he says, with a grimace that is hard to disguise with a smile, but you can see he is suffering.

The other aspect that is different from Thai restaurants in Thailand, and those westernised versions back home, is that here, the menu descriptions are hit and miss, either only written in Thai at roadside cafes, possibly with pictures that don’t resemble the dish that arrives at all, or a rather strange English version. New farangs used to ordering their old favourites back home, with clear descriptions, decide to venture further than green curry or pad thai - after all, they now live here, and as the saying goes... when in Rome...This adventure often leads to a nasty surprise, usually involving something fermented and odd smelling.

After one has been here a while, our palates change, and like any addiction, the spice is never enough and we become accustomed to the chilli. After a few months, blisters no longer appear on our lips after a good bowl of green curry, and we find ourselves adding chilli to everything.

Something hard to admit to our friends back home, after adamantly insisting on only eating like a local on first arriving , is that some days, we just don’t feel like Thai food. Luckily, with so many expats from all over the world opening restaurants on Samui, we have endless options of authentic cuisine, be it a good Italian pasta or pizza from Cafe Cucina or Antica Loconda, or a steak from Bamboo, The Shack or Zico’s, or some good French bread and cheese. South Africans feeling homesick can even get a ‘boerewors roll’ or ‘bunny chow’ from the Reef Restaurant in Lamai. Endless delis and the newly expanded Macro offer every western ingredient available, sometimes at a price, but nevertheless.

One good western meal is all it usually takes to satisfy the palate for something other than Thai, and then the taste buds start calling out again for the chillies and exotic tastes of Asia. Some of our best meals have been at simple nondescript Thai restaurants or noodle bars that tourists would seldom venture in to, and at a fraction of the price of the fancier establishments. Granted, these places have limited English, so one either needs to know the names of the Thai dishes, or be prepared to take a gamble. All a part of the big adventure... so where are we going for lunch?

Samui Ocean Sports

As an expat who has only lived on the island for one year, it is always interesting talking to the ‘old hats’; those expats who have been here for more than a decade, and are truly entrenched in island life. There is no better person to tell you how Samui has changed than Kunta, owner of Samui Ocean Sports.

Kunta has been living on Samui for more than 15 years, having first come to Southeast Asia as a backpacker in his early 20s. Back then, according to Kunta, Samui was a backpackers’ dream, with none of the luxury resorts that now cling to the coastline. There were no luxury boats in the bay, and Kunta began exploring the coast and Marine Park, sailing with a friend on a small yacht. In those days, sea mammals such as dolphins were abundant, and Kunta is convinced that jet skis and unprofessional tour boat operators have chased them away by not keeping a respectful distance.

Kunta manages three boats in Samui Ocean Sports’ fleet. Viva 2, is a 26ft mono hull sailing boat that can take 4 passengers. For those that prefer the stability of multi-hull sailing, there is the 27ft racing catamaran Crazy Horse that can take up to 8 passengers, and the luxury 33ft catamaran, Dreamcatcher can take 18 guests for day trips, or 5 overnight.

Each year, Crazy Horse, with Kunta and his crew, competes in the Samui Regatta, proving that local sailors have what it takes to challenge the big teams from around Asia, including Hong Kong, Singapore and Phuket

Kunta offers overnight sailing trips to the Anthong Marine Park and to the neighbouring islands of Koh Phangan and Koh Tao. Day trips and shorter sunset cruises are available for those who don’t have time to spare. Kunta has a wicked sense of humour, and always has a story to tell, be it from his travels through Africa, to funny anecdotes of things that have happened on the boat. Sense of humour aside, Kunta is serious when it comes to safety, and will not set sail when the conditions are not right, rather cancelling a trip than putting his guests at risk. Having sailed Samui’s waters for 15 years, no one knows this ocean better, including every hidden rock and current.

Depending on the time of year, Kunta’s vessels are either moored in Chaweng, outside Tradewinds Resort, or in Bang Rak, outside Samui Mermaid. Guests have the option of being collected from their resort, or meeting on the beach. Several resorts continue to support Samui Ocean Sports due to the positive feedback they get from their guests after each trip. One only has to read the overwhelming reviews on Tripadvisor to realise that Kunta runs a professional operation, aiming to provide a memorable trip each time he sets sail.

I recently had the pleasure of sailing with Kunta and a group of friends on Dreamcatcher. As we set off from the beach, our captain briefed us on safety and the dos and don’ts as there were several children in our group. The boat is spacious and comfortable and has ample shade and seating area both on deck and in the cabins.

We sailed towards Koh Phangan’s Haad Yaun beach, and enjoyed iced cold drinks and fresh fruit along the way. We moored about 100m from the shore and some of our party chose to swim ashore in the clear waters to cool down. Moms with small children and those not so energetic were transported to the beach in a rubber dingy.

Once ashore, Kunta took us to his farourite restaurant, Bamboo Hut. Be prepared to trek up a hill, over huge boulders and a rickety bridge, but this is all worthwhile. It is easy to see why Kunta takes all his guests to this restaurant, as everyone gasped and wowed over the view. When the food arrived, there was more praise and awe, and then suddenly silence as everyone tucked in to a perfectly prepared spread of Thai food.

Sailing back at sunset, it was easy to see why Kunta, as a young backpacker years ago, decided to stay on Samui, returning to his homeland Germany only for holidays. Seeing Samui from the boat, veiled in a rich orange halo, made me glad to have moved here too.

Kunta is happy to share his sailing knowledge with other expats and locals, enjoying any excuse to chat about boats. He can be contacted at 081 940 1999, or visit the website: www.sailing-in-samui.com.

©Rosanne Turner

Discovering the island via its resorts

My family and I try to explore the island on Sundays, in the way of visiting different resorts. The idea is that we have lunch at the pool side restaurant, use the pool and perhaps try out the spa. We have come across some spectacular resorts on Samui, many tucked away at the end of dirt roads. Without turning off the Ring Road, and ‘bundu-bashing’ as we say in Africa, we would not have discovered half of the amazing resorts out there.

We have come to the conclusion that the more discreet an entrance is, the more impressive the resort.  Some of the best resorts on the island have rather understated entrances. Zazen in Bophut has to be one of the most impressive resorts Samui has to offer, but driving along the Ring Road, you would have no idea without venturing in. On the other hand, some resorts have elaborate entrances, creating a great first impression, and are then a let-down once you past the entrance.  It seems as though many resorts only focus on their beachfront entrance, and their main entrances are an after-thought. The problem with this is that a ‘walk-in’ customer, driving along looking for a place to stay has no idea what is behind drab walls, or at the end of inconspicuous dirt tracks. Surely this must affect business? Sure, a large percentage of business comes from the internet and booking agents, but a fair amount of guests arrive on the island with the intention of finding their own place to stay – or perhaps they are booked in somewhere via their travel agent, but want to return the following year, and are looking for something else to their liking. As focal as some of these resorts may be from the beach, most people drive around looking for accommodation, as wheeling luggage along the beach while looking for a place to stay is not an option. Having previously owned guest houses in South Africa, I know that an inviting entrance draws walk-in customers.

During our Sunday outings, we have come across some resorts with a rather narrow-minded management approach. We have a few old favourites that we visit frequently, that offer great food, friendly service, set around a pool or on a pristine stretch of beach, however, sometimes we feel like trying a new spot. On arriving at reception, we ask if day visitors are welcome on condition we have lunch, and usually we are welcomed in - after all, business is business and why would anyone turn away a few thousand Baht spent in the restaurant? Occasionally we are turned away, or asked ridiculous rates to use the pool – even if we are eating at the restaurant. I cannot understand this narrow minded approach. This negative response often comes from the resorts that are empty, with few rooms booked. Now surely income from the restaurant is as good as income from a room?

All expats on the island will get visitors at some stage, keen to find out what their wayward, long lost friends are doing having left civilisation and moved to paradise. We may not always be able to host these friends or family in our homes – or may not want to! This means that local expats are always on the lookout for good resort or villa options for visitors. Short-sighted managers need to keep this in mind when turning away locals, as it is not only the lunch turnover that they are missing out on, but possibly countless future bookings.

A note to resort managers: Look after the locals too! They are your best word-of-mouth advertising, and will support you in the quiet months. A note to locals: Dare to drive down the dirt roads; you may just discover your new favourite spot of paradise!

© Rosanne Turner

Well some good news everyone... The Travelling pen has been awarded 'Blog of the Week' status by www.goabroad.com. I  would like to thank whichever of my readers nominated me for this award.
Go Abroad specialises in travel programmes to either study, work or volunteer abroad.
For anyone who is considering taking a 'gap year', browse www.goabroad.com for opportunities available worldwide.
Remember that you can also do a TEFL certificate course here on the paradise island of Koh Samui - www.samuitefl.com

One year in paradise

1 September marks the anniversary of my arrival on Samui. As I reflect back on the past year, most memories evoke smiles. A few don’t,  such as experiencing not one, but two floods – one in early November last year, and the more recent episode in March (which was supposedly the dry season).  Feeling nostalgic, I read back through my previous columns and blog posts, and now I chuckle at some of the things that I found strange or confusing. I must be settling in, as these things now just seem a part of everyday life.

I think back to writing about driving on the island, and compared it to being immersed into a play station game – now this is old hat. Shopping for dinner at the markets was previously an adventure. Now I go to my local market and know exactly what to buy to make a Massaman or green curry, thanks to a day at the Samui Institute of Thai Culinary Arts, as well as a bit of trial and error. Either the chillies are getting milder, or my palette is getting accustomed to the heat. I now know what to do with the spirit house outside our house, and how to behave at a temple.

I no longer get upset and frustrated when I cannot make myself understood, or things take longer than expected – I just say ‘mai pen rai’ and get over it. I have done four visa runs to Penang, and one border bounce, and have accepted that this is part of being an expat in Thailand. I have mastered the art of using an Eastern toilet (well, almost). I have started Thai lessons, which reinforces my mind-thought that this is now home for a while, and not an extended holiday, and it feels good.

I recently went through the google analytics account of my website (www.travellingpen.com) to check on the number of hits, as well as what key phrases internet surfers are putting into their web browsers to come up with my website. I post my Samui Gazette column in my travel blog, so there is quite a bit of content on Samui. Reading through the phrases that led to my site, and the expected ones came up, such as my name and the name of my website, as well as the Samui Gazette, Samui beaches, SITCA and others that would be expected, as they were topics for my column. But, I was horrified at some of the bizarre things that people surf the web for, and I am a little disturbed by the fact that these strange people were reading my website, with these thoughts in mind. Let me list a few examples:

-        Thai beach boobs

-        Orgasmic vegetables

-        Beer bellies in speedos

-        Coconut oil and g-string

-        Close up view of a g-string

-        Man boob pleasure
 
-        Hippopotamus testosterone level (really?)

-        How long are the white lines on the road (Did they have   insomnia when they thought of this one?)

-        Mastering Western toilets (and we thought this was easy!)

-        Sangsom bucket reviews (a little different to a wine tasting I’m sure)

-        How to sit topless to not show man boobs

You have to feel sorry for the guy that googled that last one. Picture it – he has his holiday all booked to Samui, and he tries on his swimsuit in front of the mirror, only to realise that he isn’t quite the catch he thought he was, and his man boobs are looking rather voluptuous. There is no time to diet or exercise them away, as the flight leaves tomorrow. As a last resort, he needs to practice how to sit and suck in his gut so that his man boobs don’t show.  For this information, google decided to lead him to MY website! This is all of course, due to the article I wrote on tourists dressing distastefully.

I look forward to my next year on Samui and continue on my discovery. I will keep sharing my thoughts with the readers of the Gazette, as well as post on my blog. I do however, hope that google will send me nice people, only interested in travelling and exploring as I am, and direct the weirdos elsewhere!

© Rosanne Turner

Things that make me wonder (as written for the Samui Gazette)

This issue’s column does not centre around one specific theme, but rather a few strange phenomena that get me thinking, or feed my mind when I have insomnia. I do tend to notice small things, or see things from a different perspective, so perhaps it is just me, or maybe some of you may have also considered the following to be strange or thought-provoking:

When I first came to Thailand, I noticed a dish on a menu called ‘No Name’. At first, I assumed that this particular restaurant did not know the English name for the dish, but then I started seeing it on several other menus too, and discovered that ‘No Name’ comes in both vegetable and chicken variety. You would think that by the stage a dish’s popularity made it appear on many menus, that a name would have evolved – but no, ‘No Name’ continues to appear on menu after menu, with no one having the courage to just NAME IT! Why do you suppose that is?

I love the fact that in Thailand you don’t get stray dogs, but rather Soi dogs – dogs that belong to the Soi, or neighbourhood, and get taken care of by several households or businesses. These dogs, usually a ‘pavement special’ of no particular breed, are of a laid-back nature, and visit all the households or businesses in their Soi throughout the day, be it for a snack, or just a bit of company. Now this in itself is not so strange, but what is strange is that you seldom, no make that NEVER see any evidence left on the pavements. Where do these dogs do their business, as you never find yourself dodging ‘landmines’ on the pavements? In South Africa, doggy-doo is a topic of major contention and heated debates arise in local newspapers complaining about people not cleaning up after their dogs. However, here on Samui, where Soi dogs are an acceptable norm, there is no evidence of this problem? Ask anyone this question, “What happens to all the Soi dog doggie-doo?” and you will always get the answer, “Oh, I’ve never thought of that, and actually, I just don’t know!”

On the topic of animals, have you noticed how many cats have bizarre twisted tails? The first time I saw this, I assumed that cat had been in an accident, and had broken its tail. On closer inspection I found that the tail actually separated at the end into two parts, and each part created a spiral. I started noticing more and more cats with various degrees of twisted, kinked or spiralled tails. Doing some research, we discovered that Siamese cats (originally from Thailand) have for centuries had this strange condition and several folk legends have arisen around these kinked-tail cats, which are considered good luck.

Samui’s traffic police have become more diligent in stopping scooter riders who are not wearing helmets, which I think is fantastic, and I applaud the recent rise in the spot fine to 500 Baht. What I do find strange however, is that they fine the rider, and then let them drive off again without the helmet. Also strange, is that only the driver needs to wear a helmet, and not the passenger, or in some cases several passengers; as if passengers are somehow immune to smashing their heads in a crash.

I understand that food differs from country to country, and Thailand has some rather unusual gourmet varieties. To me, corn is a savoury food, usually eaten with salt and butter, deliciously grilled on a BBQ. Although this grilled version is available here, corn is often eaten as a dessert, sweetened and sprinkled over ice-cream of as a flavour variety in yoghurt. It all seems topsy-turvy as I have seen corn flavoured yoghurt, and blueberry and lemon flavoured Pringles chips – sounds like something from an Alice in Wonderland tea party!

One of the great things about travelling or moving to a new culture is exploring the differences from your home town. Don’t only notice the obvious differences, but take time to notice and ponder things that most people wouldn’t even consider – they often make for interesting dinner conversation.

©Rosanne Turner

The funny side of teaching English in Thailand

Part of my job entails observing trainee teachers conducting lessons at local schools and businesses. Needless to say, I have witnesses some truly funny events that have led me to leave the classroom in order to control my laughing fit. I thought I would share some of these incidents with you.

You may or may not know that the word ‘moo’ means ‘pork’ in Thai. For an English speaking person, this can cause confusion due to the fact that English-speaking children associate the word ‘moo’ with a cow. During a class with 8-year old Thai children with limited English speaking ability, I witnessed a trainee teacher holding up a flashcard with the picture of a cow. In an attempt to prompt them to say the word he was looking for – cow – he chose to add some sound effects, in the form of ‘mooo, mooo’.  This teacher was new to Thailand, and had no idea that this meant pork in Thai. The look on the children’s faces was priceless. I could see there minds ticking over and thinking to themselves, ‘That is NOT a pig... stupid teacher!)

On another occasion at the same school, but this time with 10-year olds, the teacher was organising the children, about 25 of them, in order to do an activity. Her instructions were, ‘All the girls this side of the classroom, and all the boys that side please.’ The children shuffled about, chattering away as children do, and eventually ended up in their two groups. However, one child stayed slap bang in the middle of the room. This is the conversation that followed:

Teacher: Why are you not going to your group?

Child: I lady boy, where you want me go?

The teacher at first was completely stumped and had no idea what to say, just standing staring at the child with a dropped jaw, while the other kids laughed.  Eventually the teacher composed herself, and told him/her to go to whichever side they wanted, which ended up to be with the girls.

Once a rooky teacher was giving class to 8-year olds when one held up her hand and said, ‘ Teacher, toilet?’ The teacher obliged and let the child go. The next thing, a second child made the same request, followed by another, and then another. Within 2 minutes, the teacher was standing alone in class, going down from 34 students to none. This is an old trick to play on a new teacher, and she fell for it. Anxiously looking at me, she asked me what she should do. ‘Find them’, I replied. As a teacher the first time in a school, recognising your Thai students when you have not become familiar with them can be a little tricky. All the girls have their hair cut in bobs for school, and all the boys sport the same hairstyle – short sides, and brush-cut on top. It’s not as if she could look out for a blonde girl with long hair, and a red-head with curly hair and green eyes, followed by a dark-haired boy with hazel eyes. Without knowing the features of these kids, they blended into the rest of the school of a few hundred students. Needless to say, once she had managed to track some down, the bell rang and class was over, with not a single English word learnt for the day.

Teaching at a local spa, the ladies once asked a male teacher what to say when they had a customer asking for a ‘special massage’ halfway during the treatment. This particular spa did not offer this type of service, and the conservative and shy staff were constantly put on the spot, not knowing how to deal with the situation in English. The teacher presented them with some tactful lines to use in such a situation, but not before first discovering where the problem lay, and why they were being asked for such services. Hearing Thai people speak, you may have realised that they have a problem pronouncing their ‘Rs’ which often come out like an ‘L’. So when the therapists where asking their customers, ‘Would you like some more PRESSURE’ it was coming out as, ‘Would you like some more PLEASURE’, which is what was leading to uncomfortable situations where some male customers thought it was their lucky day.

All the teachers mentioned above are now teaching in Thailand, and enjoying their new challenge. I’m sure that they think back on these first encounters with students, and hopefully now laugh about them, as I do - all in a day’s work as they say.

©Rosanne Turner

One night in Bangkok, but a lifetime on Samui

I recently had to go to Bangkok for a business function. The function was a fantastic experience – a dinner river cruise, with good food, great entertainment, and excellent company.  As nice as the evening was, spending a weekend in Bangkok made me realise how lucky I am to live on Samui.

Before, I was a country girl, now I am an island girl, and if I ever had doubts, city life is most definitely not for me. I often hear local Samui folk moaning about the island not having the same facilities, culture and shopping experiences as Bangkok, and they make regular trips to the big city, in spite of the exorbitant airfare.  Now I cannot deny that Thailand’s infamous capital has some kind of allure, and if it is shopping you are looking for, from big brands (the real deal and fake) to market stands, then you are not likely to find a better city. But to be honest with you, I find it all a bit much. Entering a centre such as Siam Discovery, I just get completely overwhelmed. Where do you start? The choice is just too much. I can just hear the seasoned shoppers gasping in shock and horror at such a statement.

I would rather calmly browse the quaint boutiques of Fisherman’s Village wearing flip flops and beachwear any day, over being sucked into the crowds of Bangkok’s malls, where one designer shop blends into the next, and all the shopaholic ladies totter along in their high heels, all looking the same.  What on earth would I want to do with designer garments on Samui anyway? Deciding which bikini to wear to the beach is already a tough enough choice, why would I want to cram my closet full of endless high heels, accessories, and outfits that I would have little opportunity or need to wear? Why would I want to buy endless pots of potions and makeup, only to go to the beach? Sure we go out on Samui, but give me a beach bar or seaside dining any day over an expensive city venue. The view from our house’s top floor beats the view from any of Bangkok’s sky bars, where the smog obscures any views that there may have been.

Bangkok may have nightclubs and concert venues that host the ‘big bands’, but I would rather go down to Murray’s Bar and listen to local band the ‘Rasta Monkeys’. Hearing this amazing band is on the top of my list of things to do on Samui, when asked by a tourist. Do yourself a favour and check them out if you haven’t before.  An added bonus is that you don’t have to pay excessive prices for concert tickets, as entrance is free, and you can get a good table, and listen to good music over a drink, without the crowds.

The thing that gets to me the most about Bangkok is the traffic. Sure the quality of the roads is better, and there seems to be some order and control – the traffic police do a good job of controlling an impossible number of vehicles. Samui’s roads could do with some improvement, and there don’t seem to be any road rules, but at least it doesn’t take two hours to drive 12km! I could not believe the amount of hours a day I spent commuting by taxi or tuk-tuk, at times the vehicle not moving for half and hour. Sitting in the back of a tuk-tuk for that long in traffic congestion, and you end up with a sore throat from all the fumes and pollution. I can see why many people wear masks. It was hot in Bangkok, but I never actually saw the sun. It was either obscured by buildings, or desperately trying to break through the smog. I felt unhealthy after two days in the city, and longed for Samui’s fresh breeze, blowing in from the Gulf of Thailand.

I know that many people will disagree with my views on city life versus island life, and I know of people living here that haven’t been to the beach in a year. That is fine. I can understand the allure of the city; but it is not for me. The next time I get frustrated because I can’t find what I am looking for in the shops of Samui, I will order it from Bangkok and courier it down, while I lie on my beach chair under an umbrella, sipping on a coconut and breathing in the fresh sea air.

Mastering the art of using an Eastern toilet

A recent bus trip to Malaysia got me wondering how many expats have mastered the art of using an Eastern toilet. On previous self-drive trips to Malaysia, we have been in control of bathroom stops, and I have programmed into my GPS where the decent toilets are, and plan rest stops around this. When taking the bus, unfortunately you have no say in the matter, and several stops proved to be on the lower end of the ‘acceptable’ scale on my mental list of toilet criteria.

Now the Thais reading this will probably wonder what all the fuss is all about, after all, they have grown up using Eastern toilets, and understand the process and technique involved. They probably wonder why anyone would want to position their naked bottom on a seat that thousands of others before them have also done. They probably feel that a Western toilet is rather revolting. I agree that public toilets in general can make your skin crawl at the thought of all the previous occupants who have done their ablutions there prior to you. But any Western lady will tell you that we have perfected the technique of putting a toilet paper barrier between our rear ends and the seat, not at all considering the environment and the extra use of paper.

Anyway, point aside let me explain the process, and the dread of arriving at a public bus terminal in Hat Yai, faced only with Eastern toilets.  Firstly, anyone that knows me will know that I would NEVER leave my bag on the bus, while venturing to the loo – I suppose that I am a bit of a bag lady like this. With passport, camera and laptop (my life!) in this bag, there is no option but for it to come with me. Arriving at the bathroom, and paying my two Baht for the privilege of using the facilities, I scan all the open doors in the small chance that they have installed a Western toilet, but I am out of luck. Knowing that it is several hours, and a border crossing before the next bathroom break, I have no option but to take on the challenge – yes, I did say challenge.

Firstly, when closing the toilet door, I realise that there is no hook for my backpack, so this would either have to stay outside the stall, (not an option) sit on the wet floor (not sure if that is water, will leave it to your imagination), or all 15Kg of it will have to stay on my back while I do what I have to do. Now the first piece of advice for any ladies new to the experience is DON’T WEAR LONG PANTS, but rather a skirt if you will be faced with this challenge. You have to pull your pants down, without them touching the soaked floor, but far enough down that you won’t pee on them when squatting at a 90° angle. Remember now that I have a 15kg backpack on, threatening to make me overbalance as my legs start the uncontrollable shake from standing in this unfamiliar position. I ‘will’ my knees not to give in as I look for something suitable to hold on to, and promise myself that I will start yoga classes when I get back home to strengthen these unused muscles in preparation and training for the next time I am faced with this challenge.  I shudder at the thought of needing to do ‘a number two’ and the obvious back-splash issues this would present. Luckily I have not found myself in this unfortunate position – yet.

The second piece of advice is to always bring your own toilet paper, as Eastern toilets are only equipped with ‘bum guns’ – used to blast a potent spray of water on your rear end to clear it of any residue, and what I have yet to figure out is what then? Drip dry? For men, this whole process is no big deal, just point, do what needs doing, give a shake and that’s that!

Samui, being known as ‘Farang Island’, luckily has no short supply of Western toilets, but every now and then you will be caught off guard, lulled into a false sense of security that you are not in the real East, in this tourist hot spot. Sometimes, perhaps in a government building, or in the not so touristy spots, your only option is an Eastern toilet. I never forget my daughter’s horror stricken face when she had no option but to use one in Nathon, and poor child, it was a number two! Needless to say, before we leave home now, she runs to the bathroom - just in case. I wonder if Western ladies ever get used to this strange phenomenon of squat toilets, even if they have grown up here, or are Eastern women built differently with powerful leg muscles and incredible balance? I’m sure this topic will lead to several debates, but probably best to avoid it as a dinner table topic.

Coming from Africa means that I have had several ‘up close and personal’ wildlife experiences. Many of these were for work – one of the perks of being a travel writer. The average South African cannot afford 5-star luxury safaris. But luxury aside, most South Africans have experienced some form of an African wildlife holiday, such as a trip to the Kruger National Park, or seeing a Southern Right Whale from Western Cape shores.

Perhaps it is just the fact that I grew up in Africa, but I find the phenomenon of Samui’s wildlife tourism a bit bizarre. To me, experiencing wildlife means to observe animals in their natural surroundings, doing things that come naturally to them. The only entertainment factor should be that you have been taken out of your own natural habitat, and are now a part of theirs. There should be no question as to ‘When is feeding time?’ – If you have to ask this, then it is NOT a wildlife experience. Watching a pack of hyenas chewing away at a carcass, that they have chased, brought down to the ground and killed only moments before you unobtrusively drove up, IS a wildlife experience. Watching a monkey dressed in a tutu, eating a packet of crisps and playing a guitar, is NOT a wildlife experience.

I find it rather sad that the only ‘wildlife’ experiences offered on Samui are in the form of shows, or forced interaction of some sort. Watching a dog perform a trick is one thing. It is a domesticated animal that enjoys the experience as well as the reward of a treat and the bond with its owner. Watching an elephant, tiger or monkey do a trick to an audience is humiliating to the animal, and I just cannot see the entertainment factor in this at all.

I suppose it is about supply and demand. If naive tourists pay good money to watch these shows, or pay to have their photos taken with a chained up monkey, bird of pray or reptile, then more and more locals are going to offer these attractions. I don’t think many tourists realise that these animals are often captured when young, and are kept in a drugged state to keep them docile, and easy to handle. So the next time someone comes and hangs a gibbon around your neck – refuse the offer of a photo. The more often well-meaning but ignorant tourists pay for this, the more animals will be captured from the wild and exploited in this way. The same applies to buying products from endangered species. How many times have you seen framed butterflies, giant beetles and spiders on the market, and seen a tourist buying it as a souvenir? Do you suppose that they actually considered where those insects came from, or do they pretend that each one died of natural causes and was collected to be framed? I suppose it is easier to put on blinkers and not think about these things.

I understand that you get working animals. An elephant or monkey can be trained to work, just like a dog or horse can, and this is different. For a start, they are usually better treated than the animals used in shows and these animals are also usually bred in captivity.

Thailand has so much natural beauty in the way of flora and fauna, from its colourful insects, to its bizarre reptiles and even larger wildlife such as tigers and elephant. The smaller creatures can be just as spectacular and magnificent as the large wildlife, and Samui’s butterfly garden is one place to see these delicate creatures in their natural habitat. I do wish that Koh Samui, and Thailand in general would promote its wildlife with conservation in mind, rather than with a ‘circus entertainment’ approach. For now, I am limiting my Asian wildlife experiences to observing the two giant Tokay geckos that live in my house. At night, they come to eat our kitten’s food, but he is happy to share, as long as it’s not him being eaten!