People-watching as a pass time

Some days, when I have nothing better to do, I partake in my hobby of people watching. This is a fascinating pass time, and if you have never tried it, I strongly recommend it. It may not be a recognised sport, but it should be. This activity can be done with a partner, (four eyes are better than two) or as a pleasant way to while-away the time and enjoy some ‘me time’.

Choose a comfortable spot – an armchair in a coffee shop, or perhaps a sun-lounger on the beach, under the shade of an umbrella.  Get yourself a drink and a snack, and a good book. The book is part of your camouflage, helping you to appear anonymous. When you go on safari, the idea is to blend in and put your subjects at ease; you don’t want to spook them, and let them feel that they are being watched. This same theory applies to people watching. If no one takes any notice of you, you will be amazed at what they will do in front of you.

I have seen some bizarre things while people-watching, and Koh Samui is an ideal location for this activity, as people from over the world converge to enjoy this beautiful island. Not everyone’s idea of enjoyment is the same, which adds to the fascination. Some of the funniest people to observe are the male tourists, and how they interact with Thai ladies. Think how often you see a white as lard, pudgy middle-aged tourist, with a beautiful young Thai girl. Now as much as she might act ‘in love’ with him, who are they kidding? Now by no means am I judging, they both win from the deal, but why pretend that it is anything more than a transaction?

 In reality, everyone is graded from one to ten, with one being right down on the bottom of the scale of what is a good catch, and number ten being knock-out gorgeous. People in general tend to go for a partner that is near them on the scale, so a number seven for instance, would connect with someone ranging from a six to an eight. Now what makes someone appealing and determines their number on the scale? Well obviously, and fortunately, everyone has different tastes, but there is a generally accepted norm of what is considered to be good-looking. Other factors that determine your number are status, wealth, power, fame and personality. Although this last one is the most important, it is rarely a factor in the initial attraction, as you have to first get to know a person. How often do you see a really ugly guy with a beautiful woman? Now something has drawn her to him, such as wealth or fame. Think of some famous stars – Mick Jagger comes to mind. So taking this theory into account, what are these podgy middle-aged men, who would only register a two or three on the ‘catch scale’, thinking when a number nine or ten woman shows interest in them? Now if they understand that their Pounds, Dollars or Euros up them on the scale, then fair enough, and a deal is a deal – win win. But sometimes, these poor guys truly believe that they have met the love of their life and horror and shock when they find out later that their new lady friend is not exclusive. Come on guys, reality check in order.

Lying on the beach, you see other types. There are the eternal backpackers that left home 20 years ago and never went back. The men still wear the same long pony tail, only now it is grey and is strategically combed to cover the thinning bald spot. The women bear the same bamboo tattoos that they proudly suffered to acquire twenty years ago. Only now that rose has wilted on leathery skin. There are the nouveau rich couples from previously oppressed countries that now flaunt gold bikinis, the work of top plastic surgeons, and real Louis Vuitton beach bags, accompanied by their obnoxious spoilt brat children. Everything about them is flash, and screams bad taste. Let’s not even talk about the body builders, with shaved chests, tattoos, oiled torsos, and out-of-proportion bodies that look like a character out of a Mavel comic book.

You can spot a Farang who has lived here a while, immediately, compared to a tourist new to the island. Local women have given up wearing high heels a long time ago - feet swell in the heat. My gold flip-flops do just fine for a special occasion thank you. Make up - why bother, it only runs in the humidity. Thai ladies on the other hand, manage to wear two-story high heels, as well as make up, coloured contact lenses, false nails and accessories with ease. It must be genetic, as they never look flustered, hot or bedraggled.

So the next time you have no great plans for the day, engage in the laid back sport of people-watching. You will become hooked and amazed at what characters emerge out of the woodwork.

Being a tourist in your own town

In the last issue, I wrote about the difference between being a tourist and a traveller, and challenged those of you living here or visiting Samui, to be more of a traveller. Well now I am going to ask you to be a tourist in your own town. This probably sounds like a sudden change of heart – but it’s not. You can still be a tourist in your own town, but with the mindset of a traveller. (A recap for those who may not have seen the last issue: Tourists don’t know where they have been, travellers don’t know where they are going. Travellers prefer to discover new things, than partake in package tours.)

So what do I mean by this? Well, let me give you an example: Prior to moving to Samui, I lived near Cape Town in South Africa. The icon of Cape Town is Table Mountain, which was a finalist in the new 7-wonders-of-the-world. Many residents or Cape Town, even those that have lived their entire life in this southern-most city of Africa, have never been to the top of the mountain. There are options for reaching the top, not all require exerting yourself. The aerial cableway, offers a free trip to anyone on their birthday - so why would they never have tried this, and viewed one of the greatest cities in the world from this vantage point?

This same strange phenomenon amongst local residents applies here on Samui. When we are on holiday, we try to cram as many things into a day as possible, knowing we are at a location for a limited time. When we move to a new place, we seem to delay discovering these sights, as we know we will be there a while. Before you know it, years have passed, and the tourists know more about your home than you do!

 I come across locals (both expats and Thais) that have never been to the Anthong National Marine Park or hiked to a waterfall. Now granted, there are some ‘attractions’ I would not visit under principle, such as certain animal shows, but there are other attractions on Samui, many of which are free or don’t cost much, that are well worth a visit. How many of you have ever visited the shell museum just outside Nathon? William Thomas owns this treasure trove of sea relics, artefacts and an impressive collection of shells. For only 100 Baht, visitors gain entrance to this fascinating place, and William offers a tour, sharing his vast knowledge of the ocean and marine life. His passion is contagious as he tells you not only about the life of the molluscs, but also how to prepare, cook and eat them!

Some residents have never viewed this island paradise from the sea. Sailing around the island, or to one of the neighbouring islands should be on the top of your ‘to do’ list. Looking back at the island as the breeze fills the sails, carrying you away, and you can only wonder what it must have looked like centuries ago. Anyone putting this off, because they suffer from motion sickness, should not rule out the possibility of a sea adventure. Samui’s waters are calm in comparison to those you may be used to, and a motion sickness tablet works wonders. If you are considering a sailing trip, I highly recommend Samui Ocean Sports and Yacht Charter. (www.sailing-in-samui.com) I recently had the pleasure of a day on Dreamcatcher – a 32 Foot luxury cruising catamaran. Hiring a private sailing vessel may seem like something only the rich and famous do, but if you get a big group together, the cost per head is affordable, so why not live the dream for a day. Owner and skipper, Kunta has been sailing around Samui for over 20 years, and will share some interesting and comical stories.

In the last issue I challenged you to venture off the beaten track, and discover Samui’s secrets. Now I challenge you to pick up a free guide book and map, and do the rounds of the island, both on land and by sea, and be a tourist in your own town. The next time a visitor asks you, ‘What is the Marine Park like?’ or ‘Is Big Buddha worth visiting?’ you don’t have to look embarrassed and admit you have never been there. You will be able to actively promote those attractions worthy of a visit, and which not to waste their time on.  The only secret you need to keep, is that some businesses and attractions offer discounts to locals – just show your work permit or local drivers licence.

©Rosanne Turner

No one can dispute that living on a tropical island is the life. But if I have to be honest with myself, there are days when I just don’t feel like going to the beach. For friends sitting abroad in the cold, this may seem hard to believe, but it’s true. So what to do on such a day?

If anyone else has experienced this dilemma, I highly recommend a cooking course at SITCA (Samui Institute of Culinary Arts). A day at SITCA will stimulate all the senses. The moment you walk through the door, you experience a ‘sensory overload’. From the exotic aromas wafting from the kitchen, and the smell of sautéing curry paste tingling your nose, to the vibrant colours of an array of chillies, used to prepare the Thai curry pastes, and all inhibitions about cooking with professionals fade away, as you are in awe of your surroundings. Cooking at SITCA is not quiet affair. The sounds of pounding and grinding of ingredients for pastes and marinades, sizzling, chopping and laughter and chatter fill the air. Finally your sense of taste is satisfied, as you enjoy the feast that you have prepared. Students may ask a friend to join them at the end of the course to savour this meal.

SITCA offers two cooking classes a day, Monday to Saturday - one starting at 11:00am, and the other at 4:00pm. Each day the menu is different but you can make your choice from the website, choosing the menu that suits your palette best. The fact that the menu is not the same every day, means that should you enjoy the experience, (which I guarantee you will) you can come back another day, to further your skills in the art of Thai cooking.  Besides the daily introductory classes, SITCA offers intensive programmes for professional chefs or experienced cooks. There is the option of a one week or two week course, which takes a hands-on approach, covering all aspects of cuisine, as well as instruction in the techniques involved in Thai cooking.

During my visit to SITCA, I was lucky enough to spend part of my day with a group of professional chefs attending the intensive programme. They hailed from three continents, including Australia, Canada and Chile. These chefs had only the highest praise for owner, Khun Roong, who is the main instructor for this programme. Jimmy Shu, a master chef from Australia who has travelled extensively and has a passion for Asian food, enthusiastically insists that ‘this is the best cooking course he has ever attended’, a powerful statement from someone so respected in the culinary world. Jimmy has a passion for ingredients, as well as a mission to find authentic ingredients back home. He has been known to smuggle fresh produce back into Australia, occasionally being caught at customs – so powerful is his quest, that he is not deterred by this risk. Jimmy took me around the kitchen, showing me ingredients that Khun Roong had purchased for the day. ‘Is this not the best ginger you have ever seen?’ he proclaimed with delight, as he stuck a large fat root of this fragrant spice under my nose. As I was preparing my own curry paste, the professionals kept calling me to ‘taste this’ or ‘smell that’. Their delight was contagious, as they included me in their devotion to all things gastronomic.

Khun Tim was my instructor for the day. She has decades of experience in the hotel industry, before joining SITCA. Khun Tim does not view her role at the cookery school as just another job, but enjoys informing her students about Thai food, imparting valuable information about the ingredients, as well as preparation methods and ways to maximise flavour. So often cookery schools only see their students as numbers, taking their money and pushing them through the system. This is not the case with Khun Roong and Khun Tim. They want their student to understand the methods and why one ingredient is used and not another, why we use one spice for this curry paste, and a different one for another. Khun Tim knows the medicinal advantages of all the herbs and spices she uses in preparation, and shares this knowledge as she demos how to chop, grind and prepare the food.

Each menu includes making a Thai curry paste from scratch. This process in intensely satisfying, as you mix the ingredients, and pound them together into a paste, the heady aromas of spices, herbs and garlic being released into the air as you do so. In Thailand, we are lucky to be able to buy curry pastes at the market, each stall having their own family recipe, and each differing in strength. In saying this, it is great to be able to make your own paste, and the process is surprisingly simple and not at all time consuming. Mix more than you require, and it can be kept for up to a month. Knowing what ingredients go into the paste, makes the enjoyment so much more, and helps you differentiate between the Thai curries available. A newcomer to Thailand seldom knows the difference between a green, red, yellow, Panang, or Massaman curry. Attending a course at SITCA makes one understand what goes into which curry, as well as which curries originate from which region.

My menu for the day included Homemade Yellow Curry Paste, Yellow Curry with Chicken and Potatoes, Glass Noodle Soup with Tofu, and Deep Fried Fish with Turmeric. Students are provided with a booklet of the recipes - theirs to keep and make notes in. They also receive a DVD to take home, with the recipes and photos, demonstrating the steps in the preparation and cooking process.

My day at SITCA was a truly memorable experience, one that I will be reminded of every time I prepare a meal from the recipes learnt. I will definitely be back to expand my skills in Thai cooking, and I recommend it to anyone living or visiting Samui.

Cooking is like love.  It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.  ~Harriet van Horne, American journalist.

© Rosanne Turner
information:

www.sitca.net

tel: +66(0)77 – 413172

Classes are twice a day – 11:00am and 4:00pm and the cost is 1950 Baht per person.

For information on the intensive cooking courses, or fruit carving, visit the website.

          

Travellers and tourists

“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travellers don’t know where they’re going.” I love this quote by Paul Theroux. Sometimes the simplest quotes can make the most sense, and inspire thought or conversation. 

I have travelled a fair amount. When you get bitten by the travel bug, it is like being infected by Malaria – it is in you forever, resurfacing every so often, when you least expect it, never leaving your system. Like some childhood illnesses, some people think that they can ‘out grow’ the travel bug, but this is seldom the case. You reach a stage in your life, where you settle down, do the responsible thing and suppress all thoughts of adventure to the back of your mind. You begin working a regular 9-5 job, start paying off a mortgage, and regulate the travelling to the annual two weeks away, hopefully abroad if the finances allow. But, somewhere, later in life, that itching feeling will again make its way to the surface, and you will find a way to see another small corner of the world.

I think that the travel bug is genetic too – passed down to the next generation. Some people find that they have to curb their wanderlust when children arrive on the scene. I don’t feel this is the case at all. Children make great travellers if they are given the chance, as they don’t have preconceived ideas or expectations, and with no inhibitions, they see life as one big adventure. A child is going to learn as much on a trip abroad as they will in the classroom, so with a little planning, there is no reason why a child can’t miss a bit of school to explore a new place.

It is this sense of adventure and itch to travel that brought us to Thailand, first on holiday, and later as residents. Once you have children, the way in which you travel changes. We cannot just travel on a whim, as children do need a sense of ‘base camp’. Living in South Africa allowed us to explore a bit or Southern African and the Indian Ocean Islands. Hopefully from Samui, we will be able to explore South East Asia, and experience cultures that are diverse and very different from the African way.

Deciding to become a traveller, rather than a tourist means changing your mindset. When arriving at a new destination, you need to look deeper. Tourists only experience the surface of a place. They only see what the tourism board wants them to see, in a surreal kind of way, never experiencing the soul of a place. Travellers make the effort to meet the locals, and for the duration of their stay, live like a local. A tourist would never stop off at a roadside diner, frequented by locals, or buy a meal from a street vendor, preferring to go to a swanky hotel restaurant, recommended by their tour operator. In doing so, they probably miss out on the best meals that they could have on their trip.

Tourists will drive the Ring Road, and perhaps venture onto the 4170 to Bang Rak and Choeng Mon. A traveller will turn down every dirt road, in the hope of finding something or someone, to make their trip memorable. Some of Samui’s best beaches are completely off the beaten track, and perhaps it’s best that most tourists don’t discover them. However, I do get frustrated when I ask a holiday maker how they have enjoyed their trip, only to hear the same old tales of where they have been and what they have done. I want to shake them, and challenge their sense of adventure! The thought that someone’s only picture of Samui is what they would find on a brochure is frustrating, and gives me the inspiration to write a book – Samui - off the beaten track. In saying that, a tourist wouldn’t buy it – only a traveller would. 

Some of the expats that I have met, truly fit the profile of traveller – completely immersing themselves into their new society, learning the lingo, eating the food and socialising with Thai people. Some on the other hand, although living here, almost live a parallel life to the locals. They may live here, but they don’t do anything a local would, so to them expat living is in fact just an extended holiday as a tourist.

I challenge holiday makers and expats alike: become a traveller, not a tourist. As said by American author, James Michener, “If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.”

© Rosanne Turner

When grown-ups come out to play

Although I have been to Thailand several times on holiday before moving here, this was my first experience of Songkran.  I knew it would be fun, but I didn’t know quite what to expect. Speaking to some expats who have been here for years, I got two different takes on the occasion. Some were well-prepared, and stocked up on water-dispensing weapons, and others groaned at the thought, finding the whole idea a drag, preferring to stay in bed for the day.

My family and I decided to completely immerse ourselves into the mind thought and spirit of things, and make our first Songkran one to remember, after all, as the saying goes, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them!’

Our day started at 9:30am, when most respectable adults (well those without primary school going children) are still enjoying their first morning cup of caffeine while reading the paper and picking on a buttery croissant, and wondering what to do with their day. Joining some friends, we piled the children and a few moms and dads into the back of a pick up. Two large barrels of water and a large assortment of ‘weapons’ and we were ready for some action. Our army consisted of five children ranging from three to seven years old – an easy target for the serious Songkraners. We headed out from Big C, and within metres, I was soaking wet. After this initiation, I soon got into the swing of things and joined the kids in firing at targets. Nobody escaped our fire. It’s amazing how easily one can regress to childhood, when it is acceptable to do so. Songkran really gives you the opportunity to let go and just have fun.

The route of our war path took us along the ring road, down past Fishermans village and Bang Rak, past Choeng Mon, and towards Chaweng. Getting baptised with buckets of water over the head didn’t seem so bad; after all, we are heading into hot season. Chaweng is where the serious Songkraners hang out. There they mean business. Entering Chaweng, I got my first dousing of ice water. Not nice. The combination of brain freeze and your body going into shock was a rude awakening that some people meant business - game on!

When the younger children had had enough, we parted ways, and joined other friends at a bar in Bang Rak. By this stage, the action was in full swing, and the streets resembled the floods again. You would think that after the recent floods, Samui would be sick of water, but evidently not. We positioned ourselves, stocked up on weapons, and joined locals, expats and tourists alike in the world’s biggest water fight. Nobody escaped our aim, but when you are the frontline in a war, you are also an easy target. No matter how many buckets of ice water you become the target of, you never quite get used to it. When the battle is not going your way, it’s time to change tactics. A phone call and delivery truck later, and our water barrels were loaded with 20kg blocks of ice. Now we were ready to play with the big boys. The look on someone’s face is priceless when they are expecting a splash of balmy water, and they get an arctic surprise. Their bodies tense up, stomachs suck in and the look of horror on their faces is priceless. Most people take it in their stride - after all, all is fair in love and war. I don’t speak Russian, but one tourist let out a string of words accompanied by a hand gesture, that I don’t think was considered polite Russian.

Songkran was by far the best New Year experience I have ever had, and alcohol did not play a big part of the picture – there wasn’t time to drink, we were too busy having fun and defending ourselves from icy hails of fire. Thinking back, I don’t think the concept of Songkran would work in any other country. The Thai’s fun and chilled approach to life meant that no one got upset, everyone got involved and everyone was fair game. Those that had to work on the day, just donned a raincoat and umbrella, and smiled as they made their way through the gauntlet to work. The fact that everyone, even little old ladies, joined in, is what makes the festival work. All in good spirit, and after all, we all like to be a big kid sometimes, whether we admit it or not.

© Rosanne Turner

I decided to interview my 7-year old daughter, Madison, for a ‘young expat’ view on moving to Samui.  Her comments on what she loves about life in Thailand are quite amusing, and quite simple theories really. These are her top things to love about moving here (we will do what she misses about South Africa in another issue.)

1.       ‘I love the warm water, and we can swim in the sea soooo much!’ Although we lived at the coast in South Africa, the cold Benguela current meant that the sea temperature was always a fresh 12°C-14°C, unlike Samui’s balmy 28°C.

2.       ‘I can buy a new DVD every Friday night with my pocket money!’... and the tooth fairy money, and money from Nan and Gran. DVDs in South Africa cost approximately ten times the price than they do here – ok, let’s not start the debate about pirated copies and what’s right and wrong, that is another issue altogether.

3.       ‘We can have mojitos at Lucky’s on the market on Thursday nights.’ Now before you call in child services, Lucky makes her an alcohol-free version of our favourite minty cocktail, referred to as a ‘mocktail’. Who knows what her teacher thinks of us as parents when she casually mentions in class that she had three mojitos last night.

4.       ‘When we go shopiiiiiing, I can bargain!’ Yes, she now says ‘shopping’ like a Thai, has learnt to haggle like a seasoned Asian shopper, and in her best Pidgin English asks, ‘Best price?’, getting  the item for just over half the original amount each time. She has the body language down to pat too; always overly polite, wais hello, smiles and never gets hit up, walks away if the price is too high and the negotiating is not going her way. Many times I have seen a store owner hurrying after her, accepting the last price she offered. It is amusing to watch, and I have learnt a few tricks from her.

5.       ‘I don’t have to wear shoes all the time.’ When we first moved here, and I registered Madison at the International school of Samui, I enquired about the uniform and footwear required. The uniform is lovely, made of cotton, designed for the climate, but looks very proper and school-like. The principal looked at me strangely when I asked him what the regulatory shoes were. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked. ‘They can wear flip-flops or any shoes; they only leave them outside anyway!’ Silly me.

As a 7-year old, I have to try keep the cheekiness in check. Kids this age start to push the boundaries, of what they can and can’t say to mom. In South Africa, she started with ‘Whatever’ accompanied by an eye roll, when I said something to her, that she didn’t agree with. (Thanks to watching Hannah Montana on TV) I soon put a stop to that, but now she thinks she is clever, and has found out the Thai word for whatever. Now I get ‘araigadai’ which worked, until I found out the meaning!

Moving to a new country has its challenges. These might be different for children than adults. They have their own problems and difficulties to deal with, like starting a new school, learning new customs, and making new friends. As a new adult expat, it is easy to forget that they might also be stressed by the situation, and things that may seem small or insignificant to us, may be a big issue for a 7-year old. I hope that Madison has grown from the experience, and I will try to see things in a new light, from her young eyes.

© Rosanne Turner

You may have heard the expression, ‘What you lose on the roundabouts, you gain on the swings’ (Or is it the other way around? No matter). This loosely translates to mean, ‘What you lose in one area of your life, you gain in another’. So this column is about the things that I miss from back home, and the things that I now love about Samui, and have become part of everyday life. Perhaps it is also wrong to call it ‘back home’, as Samui is now home.

We all make shopping lists of the things to stop off for on the way home from work. In South Africa, mine would always start of with the four essentials: bread, milk, cat food and wine – not necessarily in that order of importance. South Africa is a wine producing nation, and we lived only 300m from the biggest wine shop in South Africa, right in the middle of pinotage and chardonnay country. Wine was a staple part of our diet, not in an alcoholic kind of way, but in the way that it becomes part of every meal when immersed into a wine-producing area, as the French and Italians do. Wine was not for special occasions. Sure, there were some wines that had ‘dinner party’ status, and others that were known as ‘every day wine’. Some of my favourite wines were not the most expensive, costing in the region of R30 (120B) a bottle. I see some of these same wines for sale here, for 600B a bottle – which makes me think twice before just buying a bottle to have with dinner. 

Some things naturally go together (like Thursday nights and Lucky’s mojitos at the Maenam walking street market). For me, it is hard to separate wine with cheese. I love cheese, but cheese probably doesn’t like me so much. This tasty dairy product is the other item that seems really expensive in Thailand, obviously as it is a Western food. In South Africa, I would go through blocks of vintage cheddar and wedges of creamy blue cheese without a second thought. Here, the price of cheese definitely requires giving it a second thought – not a bad thing, as this smelly but tasty luxury definitely adds on the kilograms.

Besides my friends, family and pets, cheese and wine are probably the things I miss most from South Africa. Also worth a mention are tangy mayonnaise (all brands here seem so sweet), and Rooibos tea, worth a try if you ever go to South Africa. But, for all the things I have lost on the roundabout, I have gained more on the swings.

I love street food, as I have mentioned in previous columns. In this category, I include beach vendor food. I just love the mobile ‘kitchens’, offering fresh fruit, corn on the cob, and toasted sticky rice. If you are hungry, you only have to look around, and you will find someone selling something delicious to eat within a few metres. In South Africa, the paperwork and red tape to open such an enterprise means that it just won’t happen. I just love the simplicity of everything here, as well as the entrepreneurial spirit of the locals. In the daytime, the beaches are laid out with deck chairs for sun-worshippers to use, only needing to order a drink at the resort concerned for the privilege of doing so. Again, in South Africa the red tape in order to lay out deck chairs on the beach would have been too off-putting to anyone inspired to start such a business or trend. I love the way the beaches transform at night – sun loungers pushed together become dining platforms, fairy lights and lanterns turn the beach into a magical affair.

If you buy local food, you can eat like a king. The seafood at the fresh markets is taken for granted by locals. In most other countries, seafood is a luxury item. Here, large prawns – fresh, not frozen – can be bought on the market for around 150B/kg. The frozen equivalent in South Africa would be about 600B/kg. Last week I strolled to the market for salad ingredients for dinner. A lettuce, some coriander, cherry tomatoes and spring onions cost me all of 20B.

As I write this, I realise that the things I have gained, or grown to love are too many to include in this one column, so they will be the inspiration for several more columns. Every expat will agree that the availability of a good massage is a definite perk of relocating here. My new essential shopping list: fresh fruit and veg, ice cold coconut, seafood for dinner, and a massage on the way home.

© Rosanne Turner

A few months ago, I wrote about my ‘visa run’ experience – a necessary evil for most expats. Now that my family is here, it makes more sense to drive to Penang ourselves, rather than use the services of a visa run company, as there are enough to fill our car, keeping the costs down. Besides, who doesn’t like a good road trip, right?

Wrong! Sure, driving your own car means that you are in charge of your bathroom stops, but you also have to worry about things like road works, traffic obstacles, queues at the border and bad drivers. When you are a passenger, you can sit back, read a book, have a snooze, and all of these issues become the driver’s problem.  Considering all, I would still rather drive, unless having to do the run alone.

It’s amazing how important toilets become on a road trip, and by that I mean GOOD toilets; to most of us, that means Western toilets. Using an Eastern toilet is a skill I have yet to master. Squatting above a wet floor, and trying not to stand in countless previous occupants’ contributions, while your thighs develop an uncontrollable wobble, and your legs threaten to cave in, is not fun.  This is probably the only time I envy men, who can (and do) relieve themselves just about anywhere.  After two self-drive trips to Penang, I now know which toilets are good, which are barely acceptable, and which to avoid at all costs. I think that a guide book on public bathrooms with a grading system, would be a best seller, even if only bought by women – perhaps I will make this an assignment… any contributions and suggestions welcome.

I always try to see the funny side of difficult situations. Often this is only possible in retrospect. At the time, tears, frustration and despair cloud our vision and positive outlook making it very hard to find a funny side. Take this for example: After eventually arriving at the Thai border around 8:00pm, in a 2-hour bumper-to-bumper queue, an official waved us through. We showed him our passports, that needed stamping, and he was insistent that we drive straight through. Carrying on in the slowly snaking queue of cars, we crossed the no-man’s-land strip and arrived at the immigration booth at the Malaysia border – only to be told that they could not stamp us in to Malaysia, as we never received a stamp exiting Thailand. Just imagine it. The traffic is backed up, it would take two hours to drive the 2km back, and then sit in the traffic again, to enter Malaysia. We asked if we could park the car, and walk back to Thailand, which they allowed us to do – suspiciously monitored by police along the way. My husband’s new bar story is, ‘My wife made me walk to Malaysia and back again!’

If anyone decides to drive to Malaysia, be warned – there are practically no petrol stations along the highway. Unless you like the challenge of seeing how far you can drive on fumes, fill up before you leave Thailand! Not even the bottle stands of petrol, that we see every 100m in Thailand, exist. It’s amazing how different Malaysia is to Thailand, and it is evident the moment you cross the border. Yes, perhaps there is better infrastructure, but the quaint things that make Thailand so charming disappear. No more dog passengers or entire families on motorbikes, no more children playing football on the side of the road, no more water buffalo, chickens or roadside stands. But it is the people that denote the biggest change, and your reason for smiling when crossing the border back into Thailand. It is easy to see why it is called ‘The Land of Smiles’. It is so good to hear ‘Sawadee ka’ again when you cross over. No more grunts as a greeting, which is all you get if you are lucky, in Malaysia.

So for all the hassles, tears, frustrations and hiccups that go along with a visa run, the warm welcome back into Thailand makes you realize why you settled here for a while, and makes the unbearable trip a little more bearable, in retrospect that is.

© Rosanne Turner

Before moving out here, I told myself that I would not once again be caught in the routine trap – I would shake it up a little, and not be predictable or a creature of habit. Well some habits or customs are worth forming, becoming part of your weekly routine - even looking forward to them, with a daily countdown.

‘See you down at Lucky’s on Thursday night?’ is a phrase frequently used in my vocabulary now. Lucky is a lovely lady. She has a Mojito stand at the Maenam walking street market on Thursday nights, just in front of the Fish ‘n Chip shop. The fact that Lucky and her brother make the best Mojitos in town, (and possibly in the world) is a known fact. This open secret was at first only realised by a privileged few. The secret is now out, and each week, the queue at her Mojito stand grows and grows as her circle of followers expands.

For 50 Baht a glass for this magical, minty potion, can you really go wrong? Sure, there are other cocktail stands offering their version of the Mojito at the market, but trust me when I say that they are not a fraction as delicious as Lucky’s! Don’t waste your time sampling them all – make your way straight down to Lucky’s stand, and order a few rounds at a time. Don’t bother ordering only one, you will be back for more anyway. For new devotees of Lucky and her Mojitos, you will only have to wait three nights to once again savour her magic potion (also knows as a truth serum – you’ll see why), as Lucky is now also down at the Lamai market on Sunday evenings. If twice a week is still not enough for your new ‘fix’, not to worry, she has a bar on the Ring Road in Maenam.

Part of experiencing a new culture is finding out what the locals’ gastronomic delights are, including the liquid variety. I was told that all ladies drink Spy, so I gave this a try, but found it a little too sweet for my liking. I stick to whisky and soda when I can’t make it to Lucky’s Mojitos. Speaking of whisky, I’m sure that everyone has had a run-in with the infamous Sang Som. Although it is called a Thai whisky, it is strictly speaking, a rum. (Or paint stripper, depending on your experience with it) Sang Som forms part of the infamous buckets made famous by the Full Moon Party, and now introduced to bars on the island. Added to the mix, is Thailand’s more potent version of Red Bull, some Coca Cola, and a dash of ice. I have yet to partake in a bucket experience, but I have been told that each bucket consumed will lead you to reveal at least three secrets you would rather have kept to yourself, and results in a rather serious headache.

On the subject of headaches,  a certain brand of beer apparently contains a dangerous chemical called formaldehyde, used for preserving dead bodies among other things, and can lead to a bad case of a ‘Changover’, sorry, I mean a hangover.

So how do you overcome a feeling of death after a night of a liquid diet? Sip on an ice-cold fresh young coconut, packed full of electrolytes and vitamins, guaranteed to perk you up again – until the next Mojito evening that is...

© Rosanne Turner

Footnote: Chang is a brand of local beer. There is a constant debate as to which brand is best, between Singha, Leo, Tiger and Chang. Everyone has their favourite, and it's hard to convince them otherwise. There are Chang devotees out there that swear it is the  The men in my circle all agree however, that Chang leads to a nasty hangover, due to its chemical content.

As written for the Samui Gazette, 18 February 2011

Arriving on Samui last September, I sat down to breakfast on the first morning at my resort, ordered a cup of tea, and opened the menu. Under the ‘breakfasts’ heading, were the usual – full English breakfast, pancakes, fresh fruit, cornflakes with milk – but hang on a minute – could it be true? Was I seeing right? On offer under cereals, was ‘cockroaches’. I picked up another menu to make sure it wasn’t a misprint, and sure enough, ‘cockroaches’ was crossed out and ‘coco-crunch’ was hand written above it. I can just hear management’s ‘Aaaah... so that is why nobody was ordering the coco-crunch’ when a well meaning customer pointed out the misprint to them.

During my last six months on Samui, I have come across several such incidences of lost in translation, as I’m sure most readers have. For some, it is obvious what is meant, just being mis-spelt, or wrongly worded. Others bring on a reaction of ‘Huh? Can it be?’ A health shop in Maenam has a board outside, advertising their stock. Included in the list of healthy options are orgasmic vegetables (One would assume they meant organic veggies). Well that is one way to get the carnivores to eat their greens!

Recently, during an office move, we arranged for a pile of rubble, garden refuse, broken office furniture and general junk to be taken to a dump and disposed of. ‘No problem’, we were told, and happily paid for the job to be done. The next morning, we arrived at our new premises, only to find our pile of junk had been neatly placed at our door – they had transported it all to our new office, instead of to the dump. What can you do? Laugh!

Probably one of the best cases of lost in translation, is that on a menu of a street café in Bophut. You can only wonder how they came up with these translations, or perhaps the chef is rather creative and believes in fusion food? Have a look at some of these menu items, and decide for yourself:

‘Pork, chicken, pour the page’

‘Fried pork, chicken, cotton that stops’

‘Fried shrimp, squid meat, cotton that stops’

‘Collaborate pork’

‘Little finger muscle’

‘Crab fishing for ultra green papaya salad’

The prices are so good, that it’s worth ordering these dishes just for a laugh – we may be pleasantly surprised!

Keep your eyes open, and look out for wording and spelling. Perhaps my eyes are more tuned to it, as I am a writer and English teacher. I do have to say, that had the tables been turned, and I had to translate into Thai, the results would be equally as amusing to Thai readers, so this is definitely a case of laughing with you, and not at you.

If any readers have come across other interesting translations, please share them with us, and email to thetravellingpen@gmail.com. I will do a follow up post, with the results.

© Rosanne Turner